This is the beginning...

I finally decided to begin the process.  I know there are many families just like ours.  I found that the more I say out loud "my daughter is addicted to heroin" the lighter the burden feels.  They say 'The truth will set you free', my prayer is that my blog will help others who feel helpless and hopeless in the sad world of addiction.  It is a journey of pain, despair, healing and hope.  At times, changing minute by minute. I welcome you into our life, as we struggle to overcome the far reaching  effects of addiction.

My daughter, C. is now 21 years old. Today, she is 117 days clean from heroin.  This period marks her 4th attempt to overcome the demon heroin. This is the longest she has ever stayed clean.  Her descent into the hell of heroin addiction began in 2009.

Addicts do not wake up one day and decide to inject heroin into their bodies.  In my daughters case, a brutal rape at the age of 14 started it all. A pre-dispostion for the disease of addiction didn't help her.
I will leave the disease versus choice argument for the experts. May I recommend Dr. Kevin McCauley, his expertise on this topic is invaluable.

All I know is that my daughter has fought to numb her pain and disappear for 6 years.  We have fought to keep her alive for as long.  I will never give up, every life is worth saving. God blessed me with a beautiful daughter, I will not forsake her.


No Magic Pill…No Perfect Place

I found myself in the shower, wondering ‘is she that angry with me”, “she didn’t text me, she hasn’t called”.  The obsessive thoughts, certain she had relapsed, or worse... she is dead.  I was washing my hair, heard the door of the bathroom open, it was Ethan, I knew he was coming in to tell me she was gone, that this time she died.

It is family week, day 2.  Treatment attempt #3. We are at the Hyatt in Newport Beach, Chrissy is at SLBTS.  She is 19 years old, she has been addicted since she was 16. I am addicted to her.  Where does our story begin? In the fall of 1989, we welcomed a little girl into our family. She weighed in at  8 lbs 15.5 ounces, infant of a gestational diabetic mother, fat cheeks, beautiful baby girl. With a laugh that was beyond contagious.

Is she an addict because I was diabetic and craved birthday cake and ice cream, because I gained 60 pounds?  Or maybe its because my Dad is alcoholic, so is my sister.  Or wait both my paternal and maternal grandfathers were drunks, yeah that’s the reason.  Oh, it could be that my sister was in a near fatal car accident in Texas.  Christine was 8 months old; and as I cared for her, Christine was traumatically weaned from breast feeding, my milk production ceased due to the stress. That’s the reason she ended up injecting herself with heroin, I am sure of it.

I know deep in my soul this is all my fault, it is my fault that Ethan is coming into this bathroom to tell me she is dead.

Ethan walks into the bathroom,  I held my breath, and waited… he came in to get dental floss.  I am certifiable.  I am crazy.  I am constantly on the verge of tears.  I have to get dressed and get to family therapy, I need help.